Rakia85's Xanga

Monday, January 01, 2007

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 22:49:20 GMT

I did this just as something to do but it's very weird how dead on it is.
My New Years was emotional and pleasuring and I look forward to what 2007 has in store.

-Rakia

Presently, you are trying to break away from a situation that is causing you considerable worry and concern. Things are getting on top of you and you are feeling depressed almost to breaking point. Obviously there must be a way out - but at this time the solution seems to be escaping you. You want to 'get away from it all' and as a consequence you appear to be sullen and introverted and refuse to get involved in any discussion or arguments which could aggravate the situation. Accept the fact that 'as you feel - so your body will respond' and 'pretend' to the world about you that everything is going beautifully as, if you act as if 'all is going well' everything will, whether you believe it or not, work out as you would like it to.

You are an emotional and sensitive person. You are inclined to delight and wallow in all things that give pleasure to your senses but nevertheless your tastes are refined and you reject anything that is indecent or vulgar.

It's the old old story - I am misunderstood - my partner (be it in your private life or in business) just doesn't understand me and YOU also believe at this time that you are being completely MISUNDERSTOOD by one and all. It then obviously follows that you naturally feel inhibited and not appreciated. It is perhaps because of this belief that you feel compelled to stand back and let the rest of the world go by. As for developing a firm relationship - inwardly deep down in your subconscious mind you are wary of even trying to get close to another person because you feel that if you open up your heart and feelings you are sure to get hurt. Since you are living in a society where close relationships are the norm, you feel that there is that need to conform, but any close relationships of any magnitude that you may have tried in the past have unfortunately left you without any sense of emotional involvement.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 16:12:52 GMT

It’s been a while, it been a minute since I’ve been in a state to write about life…my life.

It’s been different, I’ve been different, and I’m changing. I know I’ve said that before, I’ve said it to many times but this time it’s not me trying to change, constantly trying to talk my way into a transformation. it's me finally shutting up…not trying and letting life be how it's suppose to be. It sounds too simple to make since sometimes but now, it’s all about what I’m not doing more then what I am doing. Whatever I’m doing now will change in months time anyway because that’s how life is, it changes…people change, things change…I’ve changed

I have changed the things that I do and I live by the things that I no longer do. Sounds simple, sounds deep for no reason, sounds a tad like fortune cookie babble but its not. It’s the simplicity in life.

I befriended someone that has exemplified a lesson that continues to educate my subconscious everyday I’m in their presence. It’s a hard lesson to learn that I haven't quite gotten but I get closer and closer to its understanding each day.

Lesson: "Everyday alive is a good day"

mad simple isn't it? I thought so too I thought I could easily go through the rest of my life with saying it, living it. Living that type of joy that comfort; no matter what happens, no matter how things go, no matter how complicated it may be it's a good day. It seems real simple but see its that day where 50 million things happen from drama to happiness to work to school to just have hours worth of conversation ready to spill out of you but when that person says: “how are you?” simply with a smile and a comfort and a slight chuckle and praise saying “everyday alive is a good day”. It’s harder then it seems.

I use to strive to have long conversations about my life and what I was doing to running into an old friend to getting my heart broken on a regular occasion. I use to think it was commendable to be at the thresholds of conversations about yourself. I always needed an opinion I always needed a jury to hear my case and present a verdict. Now, It’s like I'm in solitude and I like it.

I had friends, I HAVE friends that got fed up. I had friends that got tired of my emotional rollercoaster and simply just got off the ride. I was angry, I was hurt; but then it took that one friend, that one friend to take the time to tell me something that I needed to hear a long time ago...the truth. It was hard to withstand but it made me go into this silence, this self reflection, this honesty realm. A room where I had never gone into before and I stayed there for a while.

I'm growing and I'm gonna be growing for a long time, but I don't do a lot of things and the more I don't do the more I grow. It sounds stupid, it sounds incomplete even but it allows everyday I'm alive to be a great day.

Happy holidays

love

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Tue, 23 May 2006 12:15:36 GMT

Hey Guys, I hope everyone is doing well. I was talking to a friend

of mine about past and where we are now. And I found it interesting

that my two favorite poems by Nikki Giovani very much explain my present

and past. For your listening eyes...

PAST

'Resignation'

I love you
  because the earth turns round the sun
  because the North wind blows north
    sometimes
  because the Pope is Catholic
    and most Rabbis Jewish
  because winters flow into springs
    and the air clears after a storm
  because only my love for you
    despite the charms of gravity
    keeps me from falling off this Earth
    into another dimension
I love you
  because it is the natural order of things

I love you
  like the habit I picked up in college
    of sleeping through lectures
    or saying I'm sorry
    when I get stopped for speeding
  because I drink a glass of water
    in the morning
    and chain-smoke cigarettes
    all through the day
  because I take my coffee Black
    and my milk with chocolate
  because you keep my feet warm
    though my life a mess
I love you
  because I don't want it
    any other way.

I am helpless
  in my love for you
It makes me so happy
  to hear you call my name
I am amazed you can resist
  locking me in an echo chamber
  where your voice reverberates
  through the four walls
  sending me into spasmatic ecstasy
I love you
  because it's been so good
  for so long
  that if I didn't love you
  I'd have to be born again
  and that is not a theological statement
I am pitiful in my love for you

The Dells tell me Love
  is so simple
  the thought though of you
  sends indescribably delicious multitudinous
  thrills throughout and through-in my body
I love you
  because no two snowflakes are alike
  and it is possible
  if you stand tippy-toe
  to walk between the raindrops
I love you
  because I am afraid of the dark
    and can't sleep in the light
  because I rub my eyes
    when I wake up in the morning
    and find you there
  because you with all your magic powers were
    determined that
I should love you
  because there was nothing for you but that
I would love you

I love you
  because you made me
    want to love you
  more than I love my privacy
    my freedom   my commitments
      and responsibilities
I love you 'cause I changed my life
  to love you
  because you saw me one friday
    afternoon and decided that I would
love you
I love you I love you I love you

   -- Nikki Giovanni

PRESENT

'I'm not Lonely'

i'm not lonely
sleeping all alone

you think i'm scared
but i'm a big girl
i don't cry
or anything

i have a great big bed
to roll around
in and lots of space
and i don't dream
bad dreams
like i used
to have that you
were leaving me
anymore

now that you're gone
i don't dream
and no matter
what you think
i'm not lonely
sleeping
all alone

	-- Nikki Giovanni

Monday, May 08, 2006

Mon, 08 May 2006 16:30:39 GMT

Thanks to all the supported the cause!

Here's some pictures of te event.

Hopefully we're now one step closer to curing diabetes

Friday, May 05, 2006

Fri, 05 May 2006 12:11:06 GMT

2 Days Left

On May 7th of this year, I'll be taking part in the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation's Walk to Cure Diabetes along with a half-million other walkers across the country. Our goal: To raise $86 million to help fund research for a cure for type 1 diabetes and its complications.

This walk will be dedicated to my grandmother who I have known to have diabetes since I was a little girl. This is my way of standing up for a woman thats worth more then words could ever explain. My true personal goal is to raise enough money and be able to say I did it all for her. I not only ask for a donation but I ask for your support.

Type 1, or juvenile, diabetes, is a devastating, often deadly disease that affects millions of people--a large and growing percentage of them children and African Americans.

Many people think type 1 diabetes can be controlled by insulin. While insulin does keep people with type 1 diabetes alive, it is NOT a cure. Aside from the daily challenges of living with type 1 diabetes, there are many severe, often fatal, complications caused by the disease.

The good news, though, is that a cure for type 1 diabetes is within reach. In fact, JDRF funding and leadership is associated with most major scientific breakthroughs in type 1 diabetes research to date. And JDRF funds a major portion of all type 1 diabetes research worldwide, more than any other charity.

I'm writing to ask for your support because now more than ever, EACH of us can be a part of bringing about a cure. Each of us can make a real difference

Won't you please give to JDRF as generously as you're able?

Together, we can make the cure a reality.

Thank you,

Rakia McDonald

Please visit my Walk Web page if you would like to donate online or see how close I am to reaching my personal goal:

http://walk.jdrf.org/walker.cfm?id=86360432

Also if you would like to participate in this walk and/or would like some information feel free to contact me at: rakiamcdonald@yahoo.com

Follow this link to make a donation:

http://walk.jdrf.org/support.cfm?id=86360432

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 19:54:13 GMT

I’ve been writing on Xanga for almost a year now I just read every post I’ve ever written from the beginning to the most current. A lot has been going on with me right now and thus I’ve decided to take a break from the things familiar to make room for the unfamiliar things, therefore I must say good-bye to my onlie journal. Reading my post I saw first hand a transition in me the ones closes to me saw without my knowing. I can’t say I was proud of the end result, but I’m excited about me being more aware of who I am so I can grow and learn. It’s weird how all these past entries were the advice I needed to hear in relevance to the movement going on in my life right now. I have a calm unexplainable joy a praise and I’m excited for my new beginning

However, I have learned a lot from my past experiences and I leave you with the quotes and recaps to my ever-changing self. I love you xanga and I’ll continue to read your entries because I love them all and I’ve learn so much from them all. However, for now the only journal I will keep will be read by me and my lord, my journey will be sacred so I may learn how to value it a little more…

Peace Xanga

Favorite Past Thoughts

“Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude, it does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.” I Corinthians 13:4-8

Purpose is defined as the reason for which something exists or for which it has been done or made. Everyone has one. There’s beauty in that, there’s blessing in that, its a contract of success it a guarantee of a life worth living. I'm kind of embedded on that thought right now.

I’m in a relationship with my self, I see promise in it, I see a future, I’ll send you the wedding invite

He's given me a purpose that only I can see. Because, it’s made and developed only for me (and ya'll know how I love personalization). Every heartbreak, every struggle, every deed of success is meant for Muah. And that's how I know he loves me, that’s how I know I'm his child, that's how I know that through all the tears, disappointment, and heartbreak My Lord and Savior will make me the victor. I'm not one to tell my story before I gain the ending. So when I "struggle" the only one that need to be aware of that struggle is me and the Lord. It's our own little secret until its ready to be unveiled. And, I promise you all will get front seat to my blessings.

I feel like God has been holding me up, he's been my coach, my right hand man (its a reference to a past post) whispering to me. "I got you, just stand in my corner, and I got you" but it was like a boxing ring the coach can only train and hold you and pump you up so much until he has to push you full force into that boxing ring to fight the enemy, and I just don't feel like I won this round (but the best part of it all...the fight ain't over)

Some girls would feel on top of the earth spending a weekend being told that she was beautiful and a good catch, and finding out secretly that the one man that broke her heart and made her feel like she'd never be loved correctly wanted her back in his life. However I simply felt that the new Rakia lost her religion this weekend That the enemy in this round were men, but different type of men. That type of men that I would, in another life, do anything just so they could see my importance, my value, my want for them, but I didn't want to do that anymore. At the end of this weekend I was something I was before it all happened ...ALONE. And a year ago that would have bothered me, but it didn’t.

We as young adults have transformations, we have times in our live which are considered our evolution into being the adults that God wants us to be, however there are so many detours so many opportunities to go down the wrong road. But it is suppose to be our inner strength and our gained wisdom to continue pressing on. Things aren't easy for me right now, but I'm not going to allow it to make me lose what I suffered so much to gain.

My past has continued to affect my present and my future and I'm trying to figure out a way to prevent that from happening. Everything I've learned in the past has taught me to never settle especially when you know you deserve more. I know that there are people out there that understand me for me and cherish the person I am., and I've been spoiled by that thought.

Nonetheless the point of this entry is to say your past does not control your future God does, and your present is whatever you make of your past. We continue to waste so much of ourselves in the simple things in life, getting drunk getting laid, being cool, staying fashionable. and when the things we want the most aren't present in our lives we hide it away. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not gonna settle when it comes to my life. I'm going to love, and live, and laugh, and enjoy the blessings and stop yearning for the familiar things

I have learned that your career is like a relationship; it is that expendable, it is that deep; it is that important, it is that easy to fall in love with. I fell in love with who I was when I walked into this office, I fell in love with what this job meant in comparison to who I wanted to be, I was proud, I was honored, I felt if I had nothing else but this career, this position, this standing then I needed nothing more. I let this position make me and I tried my hardest to make it. My heart is broken; I’m tired of having to walk away from the loves of my life. But when the devil closes a door to your home, God gives you the key to your mansion and I have to walk by faith in that thought.

This site has made me more honest, it’s made me look at my self. I'm not saying its God but I know it something that makes a person more…Them

I'm tired of living my life posing for a picture.

My heart is so warm right now, from face value everything could seem wrong and a waste of time. There’s so many factors where a person looking on the outside would say “back, back far away!!” but My hearts making death threats to my mind So I just have to role with it.

I'm Scared

I'm Happy

I have butterflies in my Tummy

I hate going five minutes without speaking (or text messaging)

I've never wanted someone near so much in my entire life

I feel as though I just discovered what living means.

I just can't bring it to words.

I would love it if God would write me a note everyday saying:

Dear Rakia,

Today I will be putting you through (number) Test. The first test will make you cry, second will make you angry, third will make you confused, (etc.). My plan within these test is for you to (thing suppose to learn). Thank you for your cooperation

Also Rakia, There will be a man that will enter your life, he will be handsome, funny, wise, caring, loving, helpful, charming, gorgeous, and he will make you understand that how I made you is exactly how you should be. Welcome him love him cherish him, I have brought him here for (a season or a lifetime). Treat him well.

I look forward to speaking with you again

For this is the day I have made, God

A couple months ago I was a Brick and God was my cement holding my High Tower together, when winds came I didn't budge and I didn't worry about the hurricane or tornadoes coming my way because I knew he kept me still. But for some reason I lost that knowing, and my tower began to crumble.

I reclaim my peace! I reclaim my knowing! I reclaim my purpose! He has it all in the palms on his hands keeping my spirit on chill mode. My Job will no longer worry me, My finances will no longer worry me, my social positioning will no longer worry me, and my heart and the directions its choosing to go will no longer worry me.

I will no longer see my blessings walk pass me,

The pastor explains God is a whisperer and when ones mind is captivated with the worries of the world you can't hear him speak. I must say going from a highly blessed child of God to a stressed one that isn't catching her blessing is a serious wake up call.

I'm so use to looking at everyone else and all my past sadnesses that I don’t take the time to thank God for my blessings. The things he's doing in my life, the testimony he's created for me is immaculate. I am so excited (Can you get excited!?!?!?)

LET IT GO! Let the past be the past

Everyone please welcome the new love of my life;

Born December 3^rd, 2005,

Brought home February 28^th, 2006

Named after Saul Williams’ best unpublished piece

Lyfe

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 20:54:10 GMT

So today is Valentines Day it use to be my favorite Holiday of the year simply because there was something about the concept of everyone acknowledging LOVE that made me get all giggly inside. I use to spend the whole day trying to figure out how I could make everyone around know that they were loved.

I walked into work and there were roses on my chair. I spent a while trying to figure out who they were from and then it clicked. I don’t think I ever got a gesture from someone like that before.

My real Valentine is in Texas. I miss him dearly and I knew if he was here I would have the best Valentine Ever but I’ll try to make the best of it.

Well I wish all of you a wonderful day and I leave you this poem by Gertrude Stein

A Very Valentine

Very fine is my valentine.

Very fine and very mine.

Very fine is my valentine very mine and very fine.

Very fine is my valentine and mine, very fine very mine and mine is my valentine.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 20:34:17 GMT

So for my BIRTHDAY I’m having the sexiest, hottest, freshest party ever to hit the Streets...

It is going to be OFF THE CHAIN...and ALL ARE INVITED...especially MY XANGA PEOPLE...The location is EXCLUSIVE...and you have to be mailed an INVITE...If any or you guys are interested it's on March 4th in Maryland...go to http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?event=KWCYPEPNWNGCFWNKTBOY&unknownUser=true

to sign up for attendance

...also e-mail Rakias20something@yahoo.com so I can make sure I have you on the guess list.

The Website will also give you some more information on the party,

It will be held at one of the Hottest Lounges in the Metro Area and I have TWO Entertainment Companies putting it together…

All Invites will be treated like VIP

Champagne, Chocolate, Sexy ladies, and Live Music at Midnight

This is going to be the best night of my life…

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 16:47:46 GMT

Yesterday Was the birthday of Legendary...the man of my dreams...yet my dreams were deffered...

Langston Hughes

(Febuary 1st, 1902-1967)

Out of all of the Black proud xangas I read yesterday everyone failed to mention this one man whos day of birth is the first day of Black History Month...interesting

"Mrs. King was more than Dr. King's widow: She was a living symbol of what the fought and died for. With the passing of Rosa Parks and so many others, for many Mrs. King was the last real icon of the Civil Rights movement.
The best way for all of us to honor their memory is to remember what they worked so hard to achieve and to exercise our political power the way we know they'd want us to."
- Tom Joyner

In honor of Coretta Scott King, some churches, radio stations, and politicians are asking that we wear black on Friday (Feb. 3) to show that the fight that King fought was not in vain. With a new Supreme Court potentially emerging in the wake of the confirmation of Justice Alito on
the same day of her passing, this effort is intended to show unity of mind and purpose. Please pass the word to family and friends.

EDIT

Thought this was awesome

You should be a Philosophy major! Like the Philosopher, you are contemplative and you enjoy thinking about the purpose for humanity's existence.

Anthropology

100%

Theater

100%

Philosophy

100%

Engineering

92%

Journalism

92%

Psychology

92%

Dance

75%

Sociology

75%

English

67%

Mathematics

67%

Art

50%

Biology

42%

Linguistics

33%

Chemistry

8%

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 21:22:09 GMT

So My blackberry is freakin Awesome and very addictive...I can't stop playing with my trackwheel and uploading my pictures to make them my screensaver.

I can't believe I made it through this week I worked a 14 hour day everyday except thursday, I'm tired and I don't look so cute but I'm very proud of myself. I have to work tonight too and then I'm going home. washing my hair and going straight to bed. I don't plan on having much of a weekend but we'll see...

I have nothing to say....